gordo's in ballard

In the interest of semantics let’s define what a burger is NOT. This list is not exhaustive, but any place reviewed and scored well by me will refrain from the following.

Bad beef. Or previously frozen beef, which is bad by another definition. Grey beef, that crap we’ve all seen and eaten, albeit drunk at 2am. Overly processed beef, and by processed I mean containing beef from more than 2.5 million anabolic cows. Beef that is artificially greasy, like a lard burger with pockets of ground beef. Beef that is overly cooked. This is legitbeef, not legitpuck. Treat your beef properly by cooking it to order, unless that order happens to be well done in which case shoot the customer. In short, I want clean, fresh, tasty beef cooked properly by someone who cares.

Bad cheese. Fake cheese. The crap that comes wrapped in plastic like a bad gift. Cheese from a can. Pre-shredded cheese that belongs on an angry bad taco. Cheese that is melted on the outside yet cold and hard in the middle. Folks, cheese is an art. Put Pollock on my burger and I become angry.

Bad sauces. Old sauces. Separated sauces. Gimmicky sauces. No one wants to see chipotle vanilla beam cream fraiche burger sauce despite the fact that it legitimizes the $18 price tag. It’s crap. We don’t want it. Trust me. If all else fails, relax, you have a fail safe back up. Simple proper mayonaise is always welcomed.

Bad vegetables. Old vegetables. Brown vegetables that are not normally brown. Dirty vegetables, unless you are aiming for a themed dirt burger, then maybe but it will very likely still suck. Improper vegetables, such as but not limited to carrots, radishes, beats, and turnips. They don’t belong here. Ever.

Bad miscellaneous toppings. For instance, fried mozzarella sticks dipped in mariana sauce with pickled hot chili peppers and sad pepporoni have no place in the burger world. And trust me folks, I saw this with my own eyes. I couldn’t make this one up if I tried.

Bad buns. Soggy buns. Stale buns. Stupid-encrusted buns with far too many crushed macadamia nuts adorning the outside.

To close, I learned years ago that what comes off as rant is merely passion and love in disguise. Don’t be fooled. These are burgers folks. They deserve it.