Mad Cow, and what a burger is NOT
- January 7th, 2010
- Posted in General
- By drew
- Write comment
In the interest of semantics let’s define what a burger is NOT. This list is not exhaustive, but any place reviewed and scored well by me will refrain from the following.
Bad beef. Or previously frozen beef, which is bad by another definition. Grey beef, that crap we’ve all seen and eaten, albeit drunk at 2am. Overly processed beef, and by processed I mean containing beef from more than 2.5 million anabolic cows. Beef that is artificially greasy, like a lard burger with pockets of ground beef. Beef that is overly cooked. This is legitbeef, not legitpuck. Treat your beef properly by cooking it to order, unless that order happens to be well done in which case shoot the customer. In short, I want clean, fresh, tasty beef cooked properly by someone who cares.
Bad cheese. Fake cheese. The crap that comes wrapped in plastic like a bad gift. Cheese from a can. Pre-shredded cheese that belongs on an angry bad taco. Cheese that is melted on the outside yet cold and hard in the middle. Folks, cheese is an art. Put Pollock on my burger and I become angry.
Bad sauces. Old sauces. Separated sauces. Gimmicky sauces. No one wants to see chipotle vanilla beam cream fraiche burger sauce despite the fact that it legitimizes the $18 price tag. It’s crap. We don’t want it. Trust me. If all else fails, relax, you have a fail safe back up. Simple proper mayonaise is always welcomed.
Bad vegetables. Old vegetables. Brown vegetables that are not normally brown. Dirty vegetables, unless you are aiming for a themed dirt burger, then maybe but it will very likely still suck. Improper vegetables, such as but not limited to carrots, radishes, beats, and turnips. They don’t belong here. Ever.
Bad miscellaneous toppings. For instance, fried mozzarella sticks dipped in mariana sauce with pickled hot chili peppers and sad pepporoni have no place in the burger world. And trust me folks, I saw this with my own eyes. I couldn’t make this one up if I tried.
Bad buns. Soggy buns. Stale buns. Stupid-encrusted buns with far too many crushed macadamia nuts adorning the outside.
To close, I learned years ago that what comes off as rant is merely passion and love in disguise. Don’t be fooled. These are burgers folks. They deserve it.
In my humble opinion, mayonnaise does not belong on a proper burger. I’m just sayin’.
Mayonnaise should be optional; and never required. Personally, I hate mayonnaise.
Mayo as a option is fine, but I’m not down with the sauce your own burger deal… I want the burger to come as it was intended, or for them to ask if you’d like it on there when you order.
Ketchup/mustard good, a bit indifferent on mayo.
I take offense to the cheese from a can being banned out-right.
There is one cheese, and one cheese only, that comes from a can that is worthy of a place in a good burger.
Cougar Gold
http://www.wsu.edu/creamery/
Actually erik, you would be correct. That is an oversight on my part. I should have said cheese from a “spray can” is banned. Cougar Gold is excellent. Excellent like the opposite of Cougar Football.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. ;]
@drew
I can’t defend my alma mater’s football team, just like they can’t defend the end-zone. But I am happy to hear you agree about the cheese. :)
Not sure if by beets you mean beetroot, if so, you may not want to try the burgers we have in Australia. Beetroot is a standard on our burgers, and IMHO they are all the better for it.
Love the passion! Over the past 40 years I’ve been subjected to some horrible burgers and blessed by others.
The funny thing about your forbidden list is that most places who use one forbidden item tend to use lots of them. I submit that a burger with a fancy sauce or odd vegetable can still be a great burger, but the more of that crap a cook piles on the more likely the end result will be epic failure.
If you ever make it to Oklahoma try Johnnies Charcoal Broiler. It’s the burger I grew up on, and has even become a local chain. The fries are great and the onion rings are unmatched.
Oh,as for Mayo… it’s essential with a juicy burger, if not for taste to protect the bun from disintegrating. I’m indifferent to the flavor, but a thin layer helps keep things in order.